Monday, August 23, 2010

Overwhelmed by Grief

I've been doing so well, I thought, in this process of divorce. But I think last week it finally hit me. Or at least Satan finally got his evil claws into me. I began to sink into the most dark, deep sadness I've felt in a long time. I've felt despair, sadness, overwhelming grief, just utter hopelessness. My mind is a complete jumbled mess and I cannot focus on anything. I feel like my life is just spinning out of control. I haven't been able to concentrate at work, I haven't been able to focus on God's word. It's amazing how quickly your thoughts and mind can change. I think that I need a time out. Time to refocus. Time to figure out what my step will be. Time to figure out what God is saying to me in this darkness. So I'm going to step away and study God's word for a while. When I come back, perhaps I'll have some huge revelation from God. We'll see. Please just pray for me for now. This is a terribly difficult time in my life. I'm praying that God will use it to refine me and make me more like him. We will see.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Lift My Eyes

This morning I had a conversation with God. I was very upset and feeling so sad from the weekend. I've been feeling so alone and so helpless. I also feel like my husband should care about his family and he doesn't seem to care. He actually seems to avoid me. He doesn't go out of his way at all to help when I call him with questions or problems and he hasn't spent too much time with the kids lately and this has made me quite upset. I really felt quite disappointed in my husband. Well, my ex husband. So I really just kinda asked God to help me out of this sadness. It wasn't a big curtain lifting or a voice from heaven speaking to me. But I did hear that still small voice telling me that I really should not depend on man but I should depend on God. I felt that God was telling me that this is a lesson I really need to learn even when my husband and I are reconciled. God brought this to my mind. My source of strength, my source of help, is Christ alone. No man will ever fill the position of Christ in my life. And I think the sooner I learn that lesson the sooner God will move on to another lesson and I'll be closer to receiving His promises for me!

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

God, I'm so sorry that I didn't trust you to be my helper. To be my husband. To be my comforter and my provider. Please help me to set my sights on you and you alone. I pray for strength and wisdom to rise above the sadness that is so heavy right now. Thank you for not letting my feet slip, for watching over me day and night without fail, and for keeping me from harm. I love you Oh Lord. You are my strength. Help me to keep my eyes focused on you.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

It Isn't Easy

Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days when the wonderful plans that I made were totally disrupted by events beyond my control. One of those days when you feel like just giving up. Just one of those days....

Friday evening my son phoned me to say that lightning had struck very close to our house and made some loud clicking noises so he was sure it had hit something. Today I still don't know what exactly happened but I know that now I have hardly any water pressure in my house. And no it's not the well. That's what I thought yesterday when I woke up and realized it was taking the washing machine way too long to fill. When I realized that by turning on two faucets at one time I had no water. But I reached a well service by phone, a very nice man, and he walked me through some troubleshooting to realize that the well pump, thank God, was just fine. Then he advised that I change the whole house filter. It probably had gotten too much sediment in it and was weakening the pressure. So I knew that I could do that. My husband had shown me how and it was not hard. Until I tried to do it. I couldn't even get the filter wrench to turn. Not even budge. So needless to say I didn't get the filter changed. Then I wept some more. And I still have a water problem.

I don't handle things like this very well. This was not my job. It should be my husband here doing this. He is the one that should be taking care of these problems. Not me. He always handled things like this. So I called him. At 8 a.m. on Saturday morning. I'm quite sure he was asleep and I'm quite sure he didn't appreciate being woken up that early, by me. But I didn't know what else to do. It turns out he was really no help, no sympathy, no concern for me and our children whatsoever. This really upset me. So I began to cry more. How can he just walk away and not even care anymore. How does that happen to a person? How can he just leave us here alone and go live like he has no responsibility whatsoever?

So here I am on Sunday now. Trying to pray, but not feeling it. Trying to believe God for restoration, but not wanting it. And the funny this is, that even though I don't want to pray for my marriage right now, God says you will pray for your marriage. Even though I don't care if I ever see my husband again at this moment, God says you will pray for your husband. I say no God. He says yes. I say why God. He says because this is the right thing to do. This is my will. So ironically, I know that restoration is God's idea and not mine because I think at this point it would so much easier to just wash my hands of my husband and move on but God will not let me do that. So I'm going to pray even though I don't feel like it and I'm going to believe God for miracles even though I don't want them right now. God has a plan and my disobedience will not change his plan. It will only make me miserable. So once again, I have to let go and just obey God. It really isn't easy.

Psalm 119:28
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Friday, August 13, 2010

There Will Be A Day

Jeremy Camp sings a song called "There Will Be a Day" and I love the part that says "I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced. To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery, Oh, this is why, this is why I sing." I imagine sitting at the very feet of Jesus allowing Him to touch me, to physically wipe away my tears, and tell me that I will cry no more. I can't even describe the way that makes me feel. Imagine being able to reach out and touch Him, the very One whom you have lived for, the very One whom you have prayed to, the very One who allowed himself humiliation and defeat and physical pain on the cross so that we might have life. Imagine having Him touch you in return. Brushing his hand against your face and wiping away your tears with the very hand of God! There will be a day indeed!

"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes" (Revelation 7:17)

Jesus, I long for the day when my tears are wiped away by your hand. This earth holds so much pain. I pray for your peace to overwhelm me tonight and to feel your hand upon my face wiping away my tears. Show me your glory Lord. I long to see your face. Amen

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Today I am filled with such hope. Nothing about my circumstances have changed, but I have refocused on God and His promises to me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

I am seeking Him with my whole heart. I want nothing more than to be a faithful servant to Him. When I think about the choices that I have, I really have no choice. Why would I prefer to be hopeless over being hopeful? To be hopeful is to be optimistic about a future event, to be full of hope. Hope is desiring and expecting with confidence. Being hopeless is to have no possibility of a solution. To believe that something is impossible.

Well now, didn't God tell me that with Him all things are possible. That He can make a way when there seems to be no way. The bible is full of scripture that shows that God is the God of the impossible. So if I believe in God, my hope is in God, then I have no choice but to be hopeful and not hopeless. It isn't even an option. I'm disobeying God if I choose to be hopeless.

Matthew 19:26 "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

This is God himself saying that He is able to do all things. If I believe His word is true, and I believe he cannot lie, then I believe that He can do all things. That excites me!

Romans 4:18-25

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness." The words "it was credited to him" were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.

I want to have the faith and hope of Abraham. May I never doubt that God can do what He has promised. The dictionary says that hope against hope is to believe strongly that something will happen even though it is not very likely that it will happen. That is what I am believing today. Against all hope, I believe in hope that God will restore my marriage just as He has promised. May I never doubt the power of God.

God, you are the God of the impossible. May my faith never be so weak that I doubt you can do what you have promised. Let me walk with you and trust in you to provide each step of the way. Be with my husband that he will feel your presence and open his eyes that he will hear your word. Soften his heart and give him a desire to return to you and to the wife of his youth. To you I will give the glory. I praise you for the things which you will do and for the things which you are doing. I love you Oh Lord my strength. Amen.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wait on the Lord

Yesterday was exactly six weeks since my divorce was final. And I had this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was made more difficult by an expanding argument with my teenage son who doesn't want to listen to my instructions. Last night, I just fell apart. I couldn't say I was surprised. I'd felt it coming all day long. I miss my husband. I look around me at the upheaval in our home and the realization that he is gone and we are divorced is almost too much to bear. Most days lately, I have a hard time even getting out of the bed. It is a struggle to do the very basic of daily activities. I am overwhelmed by the things that need to be done and the disorder of my home. I am fighting the urge to call or email my husband and tell him how I feel, that he should be here, that I miss him beyond measure, that I need him more than he will ever know. But I do not. I feel that God would say wait. Wait on me. Let me do my work and wait until the time is right. So in obedience to God, I wait. I don't want to mess up anything that God is working on right now so I'm not going to jump in and try to handle things on my own. This is one of the hardest things I've done. Waiting. And Praying. And Hoping.

Isaiah 40:28-31 28

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Standing on the Promises of God

Standing on the promises... Sometimes the world around us appears to hold no hope. But God's promises are true. We must not lose sight of what is in front of us. Keeping our eyes on the prize.

Last Tuesday, I was praying on my way to work. It's about a 15 minute ride so I spent the time praying and seeking God. I wondered if standing for a marriage that appears so hopeless was really a good idea. I asked God to provide me a clear answer as to whether I really should stand or not. Then a facebook friend posted the following scripture and I knew beyond doubt that it was God speaking. It was like one of those EF Hutton commercials and I knew it was from God.

Hebrews 10:35-36
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

The world's point of view is most certainly not the point of view that God takes. We throw away God's word and only take the part that fits our needs. But God says he hates divorce. There is no way around that. Plain and simple. He hates it. Now I'm not trying to step on toes here, but quite frankly it scares me to do something that God hates. And so I'm trying with all my might to do things that God will bless. The divorce was not my idea and I tried to stop it, but in the end I finally gave in and lost the desire to fight. God has shown me that this was wrong. I must never give up the desire to fight for my marriage. And the thing that I'm fighting is not an ordinary thing.

Ephesians 6:12-13
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Lord, I need your help to fight the powers of the dark world that are breaking my marriage. Help me to submit my will to yours. For in following you completely, the chains will be broken. I love you beyond measure Lord. You are my strength and my salvation. Please fulfill your promises to me and bring glory to your name. Amen

Day Three and Four

The last of the entries from the first week of my stand.

This weekend I was able to confirm with a friend that this idea is indeed from the Lord. She assured me that Satan would not put any ideas in my head about praying for restoration. Satan is all about evil and peace and reconciliation is not part of his plan. So I was comforted to know that God has spoken this word to me about reconciliation with my husband.


You know the plans you have for me. Plans to give me hope and a future. You have already given me hope. Now I look forward to my future. I believe without a doubt that you will restore my covenant marriage with my husband. I believe that you keep your promises. Please help me to grow and become holy, set apart for you, while I am waiting on your promises to be fulfilled. Please allow my husband to come to the realization that he is living in sin and to long for the wife of his youth. Please allow him to have no peace until he returns to you with passion and a thirst like never before. Please put a hedge of protection around him so that he will not continue to be with this woman in sin. God I just ask you to touch his heart and allow him to forgive me for the wrongs that I have done, for the way that I have treated him, and for not being there when I should have. God restore the years the locusts have eaten. And to you I give the glory. Amen.

The Second Day

I'm moving these entries from another personal blog so I can have everything together. These were my thoughts to God on the 2nd day of my stand.

God, today I'm tired. I woke up late. I rushed to work. I haven't taken time to pray to seek your word. I feel weak. Please Lord just hold me and carry me through this time. I am so sad just wanting my husband to come home. But I know it isn't time yet. You need time to prepare both of us for a reconciliation. Lord, just cleanse my heart, my mind, my soul, and give me the desire to seek you. I'm as sure as I have breath that this is you calling and this is what you want me to do. So I pray.

Lord, teach me to be patient as I wait. Teach me to seek you above all others. Teach me to be kind and gentle, self-controlled and spirit filled. Lord just do a mighty work in my life. I am open to change and I want you to change me from the inside out. Lord, my soul cries out to you. You are everlasting, your light stands when all else fades, You are never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame. The cry of my heart is to worship you. Lord help me to focus on you. You are the only one I need. I bow all of me at your feet. I worship you alone. Create in me a clean heart Oh Lord. Renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence Oh Lord. Take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of my salvation. While I'm waiting, I will serve you and praise you and honor you for you are the reason I have life.

Lord bless my husband tonight. Give him the eyes to see your will for our lives, give him the ears to hear your call on his life, and give him the knowledge that he has sinned against you and against his family. I pray that he would find rest in you and that you would soften his heart toward me Lord. I pray that he would see me as the wife of his youth and return. I pray that he would realize the covenant between us has not been and will never be broken but only by death. We are one in your spirit Lord. We are one in your eyes. Make us one is our lives. God, please speak to my husband and show him your glory. Consume him with your love and overwhelm him with your mercy. Pour out your grace and let him fall to his knees and repent over what has happened. Abba Father, God almighty, make of heaven and earth, may your wonders never cease Lord. You are awesome and holy and worthy of my praise. Thank you for you are already working on the restoration of our marriage. Do a great work in me and bring me into your house clean and holy. God be gracious and kind to me as I beg you to fulfill the promise that you have given me. I will wait. As long as it takes. I will praise and I will worship you. Forever. Amen.

And Having Done All...... Stand

Well I haven't posted in quite some time. It has been quite a whirlwind for me the last 9 months. Here's the thing, My husband and I did eventually divorce on June 29 of this year. I was devastated that my 20 year marriage could end so easily by one judge's signature on a piece of paper. But nonetheless, it did. To say I wept would be an understatement. I wailed. I screamed and I lashed out at God. Why did you let this happen? Was I unworthy of love? It took me almost a month before I actually shut up and listened to God. That still small voice began to whisper to me and offer me promises for a miraculous marriage restoration. He has told me to stand for my marriage. There. I said it. If you now think I'm crazy then you can go your merry way and leave me alone. If you want to trust God with me and see if the miracle happens, then hang on tight it is going to be a roller coaster ride.

This is what I wrote to God on the first day of my stand. July 22, 2010

Ephesians 6:13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Okay God. It's me and you. I know you are there. I know that you are prompting me to do this. I will trust you and listen to you, the only voice that I need to listen to, the voice of truth. So here goes. I'm ready to stand but first you need to help me to put on the full armor so that I can withstand the evil one when he comes.

Lord make me like you, please make me like you. You are a servant. Make me one too. Oh Lord I am willing - do what you must do to make me like you Lord, make me like you.

These last few weeks have been more than a nightmare to me. I've run the gamut of emotions. Confused, frustrated, angry, lost, alone, betrayed, you name it. I never knew how much one person could hurt from the break up of a marriage. But tonight I finally have some peace. I hear you speaking to me and I know that this is what you would have me to do. So I pray to you now.

Dear Jesus, I believe that You died for me and that You rose again on the third day. I confess to You that I am a sinner and that I need Your love and forgiveness. Come into my life, forgive me of my sins, and give me eternal life. I confess You now as my Lord. Thank You for my salvation.

"Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved – you and your household." Acts 16:31

I know that I gave up on our marriage just as he did and maybe even more by allowing myself to stop praying for reconciliation. Forgive me God for losing sight of what was important to you. I will try my best not to lose sight of you again. People say that I should just "get over it" and "move on." They tell me that you have someone very special out there for me if I will just "let it go." But really, how do you let go of a lifetime of memories. Our first kiss, our marriage, our honeymoon, our family; our lives are so entwined with one another. You have told me that a man leaves his father and mother and becomes united with his wife, and they become one flesh. How can I just forget about what is truly a part of who I am. You showed me that against all hope, Abraham believed in hope and he became the father of many nations. He did not waiver through unbelief that you had the power to do what you had promised. And so here I am. Believing for the impossible. Asking you to do what you have promised. Asking you to provide for me as your word says you will. And so I pray for my husband.

I will exalt You, my God the King; I will praise Your name for ever and ever. Every day I will praise You and extol Your name for ever and ever. Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom. The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. Lord, You uphold all those who fall and lift up all who are bowed down. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord, that You have seen my husband's ways, but You will heal him; You will guide but You will heal him; You will guide him. His heart is in the hand of the Lord; He directs it like a watercourse wherever He pleases. Cleanse us with hyssop, and we will be clean; wash us, and we will be whiter than show. Create in us a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within us. Search us, O God, and know our heart; test us and know our anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in us and lead us both in the way everlasting. Amen.

And so today God, on this day (July 22, 2010), I stand for the restoration of my marriage and believe that you will one day restore it to more than it ever was before. I know that it won't be easy but you will provide the strength. I pray that while I wait for my husband to return that you will make me a strong woman of God, a woman who passionately desires nothing but to please you God. A woman who is kind and gentle and soft and loving. A woman who is able to love unconditionally as you first loved me.

I am not afraid for you have won the battle before me. I will wait for you Lord. No matter how long it takes.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." - 2 Chronicles 20:15

Prayers from Rejoice Ministries.