Sunday, August 15, 2010

It Isn't Easy

Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days when the wonderful plans that I made were totally disrupted by events beyond my control. One of those days when you feel like just giving up. Just one of those days....

Friday evening my son phoned me to say that lightning had struck very close to our house and made some loud clicking noises so he was sure it had hit something. Today I still don't know what exactly happened but I know that now I have hardly any water pressure in my house. And no it's not the well. That's what I thought yesterday when I woke up and realized it was taking the washing machine way too long to fill. When I realized that by turning on two faucets at one time I had no water. But I reached a well service by phone, a very nice man, and he walked me through some troubleshooting to realize that the well pump, thank God, was just fine. Then he advised that I change the whole house filter. It probably had gotten too much sediment in it and was weakening the pressure. So I knew that I could do that. My husband had shown me how and it was not hard. Until I tried to do it. I couldn't even get the filter wrench to turn. Not even budge. So needless to say I didn't get the filter changed. Then I wept some more. And I still have a water problem.

I don't handle things like this very well. This was not my job. It should be my husband here doing this. He is the one that should be taking care of these problems. Not me. He always handled things like this. So I called him. At 8 a.m. on Saturday morning. I'm quite sure he was asleep and I'm quite sure he didn't appreciate being woken up that early, by me. But I didn't know what else to do. It turns out he was really no help, no sympathy, no concern for me and our children whatsoever. This really upset me. So I began to cry more. How can he just walk away and not even care anymore. How does that happen to a person? How can he just leave us here alone and go live like he has no responsibility whatsoever?

So here I am on Sunday now. Trying to pray, but not feeling it. Trying to believe God for restoration, but not wanting it. And the funny this is, that even though I don't want to pray for my marriage right now, God says you will pray for your marriage. Even though I don't care if I ever see my husband again at this moment, God says you will pray for your husband. I say no God. He says yes. I say why God. He says because this is the right thing to do. This is my will. So ironically, I know that restoration is God's idea and not mine because I think at this point it would so much easier to just wash my hands of my husband and move on but God will not let me do that. So I'm going to pray even though I don't feel like it and I'm going to believe God for miracles even though I don't want them right now. God has a plan and my disobedience will not change his plan. It will only make me miserable. So once again, I have to let go and just obey God. It really isn't easy.

Psalm 119:28
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

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