Well I haven't posted in quite some time. It has been quite a whirlwind for me the last 9 months. Here's the thing, My husband and I did eventually divorce on June 29 of this year. I was devastated that my 20 year marriage could end so easily by one judge's signature on a piece of paper. But nonetheless, it did. To say I wept would be an understatement. I wailed. I screamed and I lashed out at God. Why did you let this happen? Was I unworthy of love? It took me almost a month before I actually shut up and listened to God. That still small voice began to whisper to me and offer me promises for a miraculous marriage restoration. He has told me to stand for my marriage. There. I said it. If you now think I'm crazy then you can go your merry way and leave me alone. If you want to trust God with me and see if the miracle happens, then hang on tight it is going to be a roller coaster ride.
This is what I wrote to God on the first day of my stand. July 22, 2010
Ephesians 6:13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Okay God. It's me and you. I know you are there. I know that you are prompting me to do this. I will trust you and listen to you, the only voice that I need to listen to, the voice of truth. So here goes. I'm ready to stand but first you need to help me to put on the full armor so that I can withstand the evil one when he comes.
Lord make me like you, please make me like you. You are a servant. Make me one too. Oh Lord I am willing - do what you must do to make me like you Lord, make me like you.
These last few weeks have been more than a nightmare to me. I've run the gamut of emotions. Confused, frustrated, angry, lost, alone, betrayed, you name it. I never knew how much one person could hurt from the break up of a marriage. But tonight I finally have some peace. I hear you speaking to me and I know that this is what you would have me to do. So I pray to you now.
Dear Jesus, I believe that You died for me and that You rose again on the third day. I confess to You that I am a sinner and that I need Your love and forgiveness. Come into my life, forgive me of my sins, and give me eternal life. I confess You now as my Lord. Thank You for my salvation.
"Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved – you and your household." Acts 16:31
I know that I gave up on our marriage just as he did and maybe even more by allowing myself to stop praying for reconciliation. Forgive me God for losing sight of what was important to you. I will try my best not to lose sight of you again. People say that I should just "get over it" and "move on." They tell me that you have someone very special out there for me if I will just "let it go." But really, how do you let go of a lifetime of memories. Our first kiss, our marriage, our honeymoon, our family; our lives are so entwined with one another. You have told me that a man leaves his father and mother and becomes united with his wife, and they become one flesh. How can I just forget about what is truly a part of who I am. You showed me that against all hope, Abraham believed in hope and he became the father of many nations. He did not waiver through unbelief that you had the power to do what you had promised. And so here I am. Believing for the impossible. Asking you to do what you have promised. Asking you to provide for me as your word says you will. And so I pray for my husband.
I will exalt You, my God the King; I will praise Your name for ever and ever. Every day I will praise You and extol Your name for ever and ever. Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom. The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. Lord, You uphold all those who fall and lift up all who are bowed down. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord, that You have seen my husband's ways, but You will heal him; You will guide but You will heal him; You will guide him. His heart is in the hand of the Lord; He directs it like a watercourse wherever He pleases. Cleanse us with hyssop, and we will be clean; wash us, and we will be whiter than show. Create in us a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within us. Search us, O God, and know our heart; test us and know our anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in us and lead us both in the way everlasting. Amen.
And so today God, on this day (July 22, 2010), I stand for the restoration of my marriage and believe that you will one day restore it to more than it ever was before. I know that it won't be easy but you will provide the strength. I pray that while I wait for my husband to return that you will make me a strong woman of God, a woman who passionately desires nothing but to please you God. A woman who is kind and gentle and soft and loving. A woman who is able to love unconditionally as you first loved me.
I am not afraid for you have won the battle before me. I will wait for you Lord. No matter how long it takes.
"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." - 2 Chronicles 20:15
Prayers from Rejoice Ministries.
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